Do you know the way to San Jose?

I've been away so long...


My last post was over a month ago and I just thought I'd put it right out there for everyone to judge for themselves. Surely the skeptics will pop up like zits on prom night when I answer the question that has been troubling the international blogging community for the past month.

Where is Dave? Why is he neglecting his blog? Has he turned serious and started a better blog? I should know by now that just like any pet, you have to feed your blog or it will die. Remember NeoPets?

Back to the question of where I have been. It's pretty obvious to all who know me; I was abducted by aliens...again!

Just like before, I'm walking my dog, Oblio, around the park late at night. I'm minding my own business, not even looking at the stars because I don't want nothin' to do with that whole sci-fi scene. Suddenly, I am bumped from behind.

Just like previous encounters, I turned to find a glimmering, mercurial spacecraft hovering just above the ground. It was about 100 feet in diameter and the silver surface was rippling like a pond disturbed by a pebble at the spot where it had touched me.

(The really weird part about this story is the fact that it is the same aliens every time).

As forcefully as I could, I said, "not again guys! This isn't a good time for me." They never talk, but I know they understand me. No matter, before I could blink, we were standing together inside that damn ship.

I once had a friend with an alternative theory about aliens and ufo's. He believed that ufo's were just time machines from the future and that aliens were just humans who had evolved into unrecognizable creatures. I can't really describe these beings, but I will say this, if the time machine theory is right, I am never going on a date with a future woman.

The truth is, I don't know if my aliens are male or female. Maybe, they just hatch from pods and there is no distinction for gender. Wouldn't that make life so much easier?

For my part, I am thankful that the physical experiments ended a long time ago. Like a couple of squeamish high school girls dissecting a frog in biology class, these two never had much stomach for the whole poking and prodding routine. I am relieved, but also, somehow, a little hurt to know that I am not a very interesting specimen of humankind.

Now, they mostly download music from my iPod and pester me to help them with tech stuff. I once had to help them configure a wireless network. Then, there was the time they were having trouble with their aol account.

This time they needed help programming the remote for their vis-a-screen. "I can't do this. I have a life, you know. Besides, I don't have any idea what channels you guys get up here." My protests fell on deaf ears, orbs, whatever they have.

They manage to travel across the universe or maybe through time, but somehow these two are just clueless when it comes to technical devices. Maybe it's like the anthropologist that can't drive a Land Rover.

Admittedly, my family and co-workers have never noticed my absence and it's not because I lack personality. The aliens have developed some type of clone that they leave in my place whenever they come calling. It's is utterly depressing to realize how easy it is to make a passable copy of a human being. I always thought I was a little more unique. We all want to believe that, don't we?

Anyway, that is why I haven't posted in a long while. I know some readers will find this hard to swallow, but just like Uncle Ray's colostomy bag, the truth is too hideous to ignore. (He used to whip that thing out at every family occasion on the off chance that there was one last relative that had not witnessed the very depths of his suffering first-hand).

I do not presume that my postings have been missed by anyone, but for my own sake, I will be writing more often.