It's Always Greener

Spring is here and most of the lawns in my neighborhood are greening up nicely. My wife is quick to point out that our yard remains the infamous exception to the rule that all lawns improve in Springtime. She likes to compare my grass to a South Georgia highway median scorched by six months of drought.

It does get dusty at times and I think there may be others who share her opinion. Last week one of those lawn care services stuffed the neighborhood mailboxes with coupons. I retrieved my coupon Friday afternoon, but on Saturday morning my box was overflowing with additional coupons graciously donated by everyone on the block.

Well, I can only handle so much humiliation in my sad little life so I put my beer down and got motivated. It was time for a trip to Home Depot. While the typical Larry Lawnboy was sweating and straining to load 50 lb. bags of lime, fertilizer and grass seed into his cart, I wheeled over to the aisle where they keep the water softener. (That's sodium chloride to you and me, Timmy. - Gee, Mr. Wizard!)

That night, when all the good people in the world were cozy in their beds, I set to work. First, a spritz of WD-40 on the wheels of the broadcast spreader; no point in rousing the neighbors.

I filled the spreader with my magic formula and set off to pay a midnight visit to several of the suspected coupon culprits. Sodium chloride, the great equalizer in lawncare. Never underestimate the benefits of better living through chemistry.

In just a few short days a mysterious malady struck down some of the best-looking, putting-green-perfect lawns on my street. Yes, I was quite proud of my handiwork; no longer able to lay claim to the ugliest yard on the block.

My only worry now was how to top the first scheme and finish off the rest of the lawns in the vicinity without all the heavy lifting. A quick web search and I had my answer. It seems that there are any number of science supply companies offering live locusts by mail.

Once I set my pretties free (much like the wicked witch and her flying monkeys) they immediately started to work. The results were nearly Biblical in scope. Trees, shrubs, grass; as long as it was green, they did not discriminate.

I suppose that was my downfall, really. You may not know this, but it's nearly impossible to train a swarm of locusts. They simply do not take direction well. The whole neighborhood was devastated; shrubs, trees, the park, my yard, everything. Our geography in this part of Greensboro now most closely resembles the Gobi Desert in appearance.

At this point, whenever I step outside wearing a scarf to ward off the sandstorms, I try to look at the bright side. This is a family neighborhood and kids can always use a nice big sandbox, right?