A Stunning Revelation

The Greensboro newspaper offered a front-page headline today that made me laugh: "Stun guns will remain at schools." I didn't bother to read the article, because I'd rather live with the misconception that Tasers will be widely used in our public schools by anyone fortunate enough to own or steal one of these mind-numbing devices. Students, faculty, lunch ladies; the atmosphere will be charged with excitement.

Most readers (Hi Mom) would agree that the views expressed in this blog are generally liberal, and sometimes borderline seditious. My parole officer has told me that I exhibit a callous lack of respect for authority so you might be wondering why I am so happy about Stun Guns in our schools.

No great mystery. I just think the opportunity for humorous retribution far exceeds any potential harm to society.

Picture a lowly freshman on his first day of high school. He waits patiently in line for some of that delectable cafeteria food. His lunch period is short and he is anxious to try the school specialty, rectangular pizza topped with soysausage. Suddenly a senior bully cuts in line and takes his lunch money. The freshman lad, whose father is an accountant at a security firm, whips out his Taser X26 and delivers 50,000 volts of "respect me" juice into the body his tormenter.

OK, so I was kind of puny in high school.

Another reason I like to keep my non-lethal weaponry options open; I have three daughters. At this point, my oldest is smack dab in the middle of her dating years (as defined by her mother and her peers, not by me).

In the old days, when I was a teenager, my brothers and I used to take turns trying to ruin my sister's social life. Back then one of us would simply rack a shell in a pump-action shotgun just after her potential date rang the doorbell. That sound coming from the other side of the door was, on many occasions, an effective deterrent to misguided amorous intentions.

Youngsters don't scare so easily now and there may come a time when you are forced to follow-up on your implied threat. Around here, it is still illegal to shoot teenage boys so you have to improvise with the best tools at your disposal. That's where the Taser x26 comes in handy. Answer the front door shirtless with one of those babies tucked in you waistband and there is no mistaking your state of mind.

And so I must applaud the sheriff's decision to arm school resource officers (in my school we called them narcs). I say, "light 'em up boys." Let's keep these kids in line. A few on-campus demonstrations of the glory of Stun Guns, the easier my job as a concerned parent.