Seasonal Affliction

If you are a parent, like me, and your kids are trick-or-treating age, then there is a strong chance that you are now suffering from a common seasonal affliction. Candy mouth ulcers usually strike the day after Halloween, but they can last for several weeks.

The duration of this affliction is directly related to how much leftover candy is in the house due to your subconscious over-buying. If you went to Costco and bought several of the five-pound variety packs you may now be suffering from Candy-Mouth.

If your cupboard is not overstocked with leftover candy, then you are probably a master at rationalizing the act of pilfering from your children. "It's not good for them to have so much candy at this age."

But we do pay a price for extended visits to the Big Rock Candy Mountain. You can't put away 17 Reese's Cups in one evening and not suffer the consequences. Symptoms of Candy-Mouth include ulcers so bad that all you can drink is cold water. Hot food is out of the question and you may also find yourself crying as you try to savor one more sour apple jawbreaker at breakfast time.

You can try conventional remedies like Orajel, but that just masks the pain. Don't despair, there is a proven Halloween cure for Candy-Mouth. Under the light of a full moon you must suck on a bat's wing and as repugnant as that might sound, it gets worse. You see, for the cure to work the bat's wing must be attached to a live bat. I didn't make this up. I am simply passing along a remedy from a bonafide witch on my wife's side of the family.

So enjoy one more Nestle's Crunch because your dentist is waiting to see you. No, he doesn't have a cure for Candy-Mouth, but he is salivating over the money to be earned filling this year's crop of Halloween cavities.