If it weren't for my laundry...

If it weren't for my laundry, I'd probably be dead right now. I know that sounds dramatic, but I had a rough weekend.

I awoke Saturday morning with a bad headache, and no, it was not the result of drinking too much on Friday night. It might be sinus/allergy related or I may be developing a brain cloud. Either way, I wanted it to stop. I started with ibuprofen and over the course of the weekend worked my way up the painkiller ladder. I got to the point where I was one step away from intravenous morphine drip and just about at my wits end.

It was one of those throbbing headaches and my skull felt like a dam ready to burst. Dogs barking, birds squawking, children playing, water dripping; all these things added to my pain. Irrational as it may seem, the idea of breaking my head open and releasing that pressure seemed like the only path to relief.

It is believed that Stone Age surgeons made holes in the skulls of their patients to release the evil spirits that caused headaches. Scientists have found these skulls with neatly cut holes dating back to around 8,000 B.C. and some show definite signs of healing which means that patients actually survived the surgery. Even now there are people who still believe in this practice and it is known as trepanning. I started to think that maybe they're on to something.

How to make a hole in my head? Delirious with pain, I went to my toolbox and found a hammer and chisel. It was very awkward holding the chisel on top of my head and trying to line up the hammer for a quick, clean blow.

After a few minutes of holding the chisel and practice swings with the hammer, I realized that this was not the answer. Yes, there was the realization of the potential finality of this solution, but it was more complicated than that. You see, I was in the middle of doing my laundry; one load in the washer, and one in the dryer. I figured that if this procedure went awry, my friends and family would be dumbfounded at the timing of my demise.

I could just picture the eulogy. "David's passing leaves so many unanswered questions. Why would he bother to do laundry if he planned to take his life? We may never know."

And so, to spare my family this embarrassment, I put my tools away and stretched out on the couch with a hot compress on my forehead. One more selfless act in a long list of sacrifices I have made for the sake of my wife and kids.