DUCK!!!!!

I don't know how I manage to find so much trouble. People are starting to doubt my reputation as a stand-up guy, a good citizen. It's not so easy for me to get an advance from my bookie anymore.

As fate would have it, I was driving to the drugstore this afternoon and I spotted mischief about 200 feet away. There, in the middle of the parking lot, was a dirty-faced, orphan tennis ball; sitting perfectly still. Waiting for me!

How it got there, I do not know. Some redneck stepped out of his pick-up on the way to pick up his Viagra prescription and his hunting dog's slobber-covered chew toy came rolling out the door.

There was no oncoming traffic and, to a guy who used to jump his father's riding lawnmower over a nearby creek, the situation was more temptation than I could handle.

My '96 Land Cruiser has wide tires, but that is not the idea, is it? Any Jethro could drive over top of a tennis ball, and in the process, probably crush the thing. You might get a little "pop," but so what? No, what we wanted here was a more controlled reaction. I was looking for a line, about a half-inch wide, that would take me just off center enough to send that puppy shooting out like a cannonball.

Begginers luck, I nailed it in just the right spot. What I had not considered was the trajectory that my makeshift projectile would take.



To the manager of the Eckerd's Drug store: I would like to offer my sincere apology. Who would have guessed that a tennis ball could travel so fast? Or, that it would shatter the plate-glass window on your office at the very moment you were propositioning that underage cashier. A little aloe lotion on that coffee burn should help; aisle 7.

I certainly realize the preposterous nature of this post, but for that, I am grateful. The way I see it, no insurance adjuster in the land is going to believe that I planned this caper. No, it was a pure accident, an act of God. The rest is all a sad fabrication created to impress whoever is unlucky enough to read this far.