Restless

The other night, my wife and I were watching TV and we were amused by a pharmaceutical commercial for a product that treats Restless Legs Syndrome (RLS). I don't mean to belittle the suffering of those who may be afflicted with this syndrome, but it just seems that there is a drug for everything these days. I also have to wonder how many hypochandriacs have developed RLS since this commercial started airing.

I'm no doctor, however, and after last night I am beginning to take it all a little more seriously. I went to bed without incident or restless legs, but was awakened suddenly in the middle of the night. There was an intense pain in my side and I was on the floor of the bedroom. I looked up to see my wife standing over me. She was wearing my steel-toe work boots and trying very hard to break my ribs.

When I told her to quit, she blinked and shook her head. "Sorry," she said. "I think I must have that Restless Legs Syndrome."

"Yes, well now I have that broken rib syndrome." I pulled myself up off the floor and told her, "I think that RLS is only supposed to occur when you are lying in bed."

"Oh!" she said. I guess I was just sleepwalking."

I don't know what it was, but at this point I don't want to be the victim of any more syndromes. Tonight I'm sleeping with a ball peen hammer under my pillow.