A $250 Bra

My wife and 17 year-old daughter are out right now, sharing that one thin bond they both cling to as the sole connection between two personalities so diametrically opposed. Regardless of the tension to separate, no force in the universe can interfere with their mission today.

They stalk together as lionesses to find elusive prey, the Perfect Prom Dress. I know the label for what they seek, but I cannot begin to describe the Perfect Prom Dress. I don't know if it is shiny or sheer, purple or pink, sequined or taffeta, mini or floor-length. I hold no picture in my head the way they certainly do.

I only know one thing for certain about the Perfect Prom Dress, it's going to be expensive to the point of obscenity. A price tag that will make you think, "How the hell can I look myself in the mirror, as a human being occupying a planet where many of my fellow men are starving, if I agree to spend this much on a dress that will only be worn once."

Oh, one other thing I know; whatever style, color or genre the dress represents, there will be an unholy amount of accessories to purchase to complete the ensemble. First and foremost, there will be the shoes. I am told by the females that the hunt for shoes can take months. My wife will come in the door all worn out saying, "I don't normally like to spend so much on shoes, but it was hard to find the right color to match the dress." A similar logic will be employed to explain the gold necklace, "She has one just like this, but the length is wrong for the neckline of this dress."

My wife will make these statements despite the fact that I don't understand her reasoning and that I am more likely to be able to translate a Morse code message hammered out on a concrete wall using my own skull as a telegraph key.

It doesn't stop there; no my male friends, not even close. Only an idiot would think that you can wear everyday, run-of-the-mill underwear with one of these gowns. You see, these dresses are all shaped by aeronautical engineers working in cahoots with the lingerie industry. Their main purpose in life is to design a dress for which no suitable underwear currently exists. That way the lingerie companies can step in and create a $250 bra.

This was the reason for all that ruckus back in the late 40's. It's how we ended up with the strapless evening gown. Fortunately, there were quite a few unemployed German scientists at the time. If they weren't already working on a rocket propulsion team for Uncle Sam, these guys were pressed into service to invent an underwear option that would allow young ladies to remain virtuous in appearance while still wearing the latest fashions. It was a national crisis.

OK, so the scientists solved that problem, but it triggered an international lingerie cold war that lasted right up until Jackie Kennedy put it all to rest. She ascended the throne of fashion and set all trends from that point forward as the only First Lady to ever live in the White House who didn't remind you of your grandmother or smell of moth balls.

But I digress. I will wake up tomorrow crying about the new boat I was going to buy or that vacation we were planning. On the big night, my wife will take too many pictures and my daughter will look beautiful. At work, I'll increase my payroll deduction for the United Way and place a newly framed portrait next to my computer.