Time For A Second Home?

I am reminded almost daily that I should be at the stage in life where I am seriously considering a second home. The reminders come in the mail by way of pricey, die-cut, full color brochures in tissue-lined envelopes drenched in mountain or seaside photography. Places with names like Willow Creek, Crestview Estates, Eastern Shores; all want me to be a resident in their developments.

I like the coastal communities best because whenever they include an aerial shot, you just have to realize that someone is trying to sell you some swampland. They promote phrases like waterway access and estuary views, but the truth is you're going to have a mosquito-infested mud puddle for a back yard.

The mountain developments aren't much better. Sure, they show you the wide-angle views of nearby foothills draped in fall colors, but what you don't see in the picture, just out of frame, is the next door neighbor's aluminum-clad single wide. The property descriptions are heavy with evocative language, but they fail to mention the 40 degree grade with 90 degree switchbacks on the road up to your mountain retreat.

As an open response to all these folks spending fruitless advertising dollars, let me just say that you got the wrong guy. I am, at best, what is considered marginally employed by the folks at the census bureau. There are no wealthy, aging relatives waiting to kick and leave me a fortune. In fact, the word 'beneficiary' will probably never be used on any legal documents bearing my name.

Add to that the fact that I have three school-age daughters. Despite my own burning desire to send them all away, there are no universities clamoring to provide grants or scholarships. I love my girls and I am proud of each one, but I can't find a single college that wants to recruit students who demonstrate higher-level instant messaging skills.

I've never been too old-fashioned, but I'm thinking it is still considered customary for the bride's parents to pay for the wedding, right? Not to say that all of my girls will get married or that there will be extravagant weddings in the offing, but it is one more consideration when painting that rosy picture of my financial future.

No, for me, retirement will be limited to part-time work as a WalMart greeter and building a deck in my back yard. World travel will be little more than occasional trips to Asheville and Myrtle Beach. If you happen to be one of those folks fortunate enough to be able to respond to the coastal getaway-home advertisements, then give me a call. Whenever I visit, I promise to bring my own deet.