Sinister Bathroom Conspiracy

Don't be surprised if you see your naughty bits pop up on one of those internet porn sites sometime in the near future. If you dance in a strip club that notion may not be too alarming, but if you are just minding your own business while relieving yourself in a public restroom, this may be something to contemplate.

Of course, as usual, modernization is to blame. Too germ-phobic to touch anything in a public restroom, we have invented these devices that flush our toilets hands-free. Reading the manufacturer's literature, it's not clear whether sanitation or laziness is the real issue they are trying to solve.

In any event, these clever infrared devices sense when a customer arrives and leaves then flushes the waste away without so much as a second thought. This technology has even been integrated into sink faucets and paper towel dispensers.

Quite by accident, I have discovered that in addition to the infrared sensor, some of these devices now house mini video cams. It seems that unscrupulous web pornographers have a new source of smut and, potentially, we all have a starring role.

Until the FCC gets involved, I have taken to relieving myself without removing or unfastening any article of clothing. Sure, it takes a little more effort, but I have always been a modest fellow.

Another way to avoid potential embarassment is to carry a roll of black electrician's tape. Cover the sinister eye before you do your business then take it off as you leave.

Life was so much simpler when all you had to worry about was spiders in the outhouse.