Academic Hazards

When I was a kid in school, all we had to worry about was getting cooties from the girls. A simple cootie shot administered by your best friend on the bus was all the protection you needed to survive a day in the trenches.

Now, you have to wear a level 3 hazmat suit or risk getting a deadly staph infection. Even if you're lucky enough to avoid MRSA, you have to dodge bullets and refrain from inadvertent displays of gang colors. There's predatory teachers, HIV, lead tainted toys, mad cows, sinkholes, SARS, and global warming.

If you have children, you have to wonder if the price of an education is worth all the risk. I have considered home schooling, but I'm just not that bright. My kids would wind up with infinite knowledge of '70s sitcoms, but no measurable academic skills. Their career prospects would be limited to low-paying options in the fast-food industry.

Of course, wherever there is hardship, there is an opportunity to make money. Next summer, I am planning to open a pre-school boot camp. Before their first day in public school, youngsters will be taught the basics of self-defense while receiving the latest immunization boosters. The children will also train in small arms fire and urban camoflauge techniques. As further protection, the kids will be fitted with the latest bullet-proof fashions from GAP.

If all goes well with my new business, I'll make enough money to hire a private tutor for my children so my problems will be solved. I am confident that I can provide all the cootie shots they will need.