Gaspy's Holiday Intrusion

Gaspy is a nickname for Grimsley High School principal Rob Gasparello. I don't know who came up with this moniker, I am simply reporting what my daughter heard around school. To my knowledge the man does not have respiratory problems, it's just what the kids made out of his name.

I have not had any personal interaction with Mr. Gasparello, but he has managed to piss me off just the same. At noon on Thanksgiving day we had a call at the house. Family or friends wishing us well on the holiday? No, it was a recorded message from Gaspy. What was so important that he had to interrupt a family holiday? Well it seems that there was a football game on Friday night.

Now, I have nothing against football; I even attended a game earlier in the season. Like a lot of parents, I am pleased that Grimsley is doing well this year and I follow their progress in the paper. But, if I was really interested in the playoff game, I would have already been aware of the schedule. As it was, I felt as though he had intruded on a special occasion for no good reason.

This wasn't the first time that we have been bombarded with inane tidbits of campus minutiae. Gasparello likes to tell us what clubs are meeting and who got pinned and the song list for the marching band at least once or twice a week. Who in the Guilford County School system gave this guy access to the same annoying technology that telemarketers use to ruin dinner times throughout the country?

Give it a rest Gaspy!

Wouldn't It Be Ironic...

Our president is visiting Japan on an Asian tour. Wouldn't it be ironic if Bush caught the Avian Flu and proceeded to baptize the Japanese Prime Minister like his father did back in 1992.

From Wikipedia: On January 8, 1992, President Bush vomited on the Prime Minister of Japan, Kiichi Miyazawa, during a state dinner. He then fainted. The incident, which Bush claimed was nothing more than the flu, was caught on camera and raised questions about his health, in addition to being a major source of embarrassment. (The Japanese named a verb for this incident: "bushusuru," meaning "to commit an instance of embarrassing public vomiting.")

At the very least, I think our current Commander In Chief should demonstrate our endearing American sense of humor with a classic sight gag.

That Blew Up Real Good

They're blowin' up KFCs in Pakistan and the Colonel is fightin' mad. A company spokesman says that even though Colonel Sanders has been dead for quite some time, he's thinking of re-enlisting to lead the fight for crispy chicken and the American Way. Before he goes off half-cocked maybe we should find out if this was really a terrorist attack or part of a planned government bird flu eradication process.

Politically Disenfranchised

With the exception of NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg the Republicans took a pounding yesterday. Even the Terminator's reforms went down in flames.

I have to wonder if Republicans these days feel like my father did after Watergate. I know Bush is not in as much trouble as Nixon, but the hounds are baying at his heels. How much trouble remains to be seen.

Back in the day, my father was a Nixon Republican. Of course, that was before the bottom fell out. Watergate was a milestone in the history of voter disillusionment. Republicans were on a rudderless ship and the damn thing was sinking.

"Who do we trust now? How did things get so out of hand?"

Looking back at how Nixon got to the point of being the first president to resign, my father and his contemporaries were a part of the generation that had wearied of Johnson's Texas politics. It was time for a change. Besides, Johnson, who had enough conscience to at least be aware of soldiers dying in Vietnam, declined to run.

"How about that guy who almost beat Kennedy? Maybe we can find some integrity there. Nixon will be tough on the Ruskies and maybe he can even save us from the hippies."

Whenever anything went wrong in the late '60s and early '70s many people in my parents' generation would blame it on the hippies. It was an easy way to exercise the hound of discrimination without being too specific about who they were barking at.

So, they elected Nixon and it was smooth sailing for a while. Most citizens weren't too concerned with domestic situations. "We have enough to worry about with those pesky Russians and nuclear Armageddon."

Dad was not what I would consider fervently political, but living under his roof and rules, I was well aware of how he felt about national issues and hippies. Walter Kronkite delivered the news and my father would digest it right along with his dinner.

We had an old fridge in the garage where we kept the overflow of groceries needed to bivouac a family of six. One Easter morning we woke to discover that "hippies" had stolen our Sunday ham. Not only that, but they swiped our American flag, too.

How did my dad know they were hippies? "Well it's obvious, isn't it? Some hippy got stoned, ate our ham and is now cruising toward Berkeley with our American flag pinned to the ceiling of his VW Microbus."

This made perfect sense and it might have been totally accurate for all I know. I'm just sorry that I was too young to appreciate the symbolism at the time.

After Watergate hit, my father, and I suppose many Republicans, weren't so vocal on national issues. It was kind of a nice little vacation. Whatever hangover the Republicans are suffering this morning, it won't last forever.

The political scene is just so divisive these days that I am not optimistic about our chances to heal this country. I just hope we can find someone we can really trust in 2008.

NC Heart Gallery

Visit the NC Heart Gallery at the Central Library, Downtown Greensboro from November 6 - 19. The Heart Gallery pairs foster children awaiting adoption with professional photographers. Featured in everything from People magazine to ABC's 20/20, Heart Galleries have introduced a wide spectrum of people to the adoption and foster care alternative. Several hundred adoptions have come about as a direct result of Heart Galleries in other states.

Created entirely by North Carolina photographers, these artistic portraits feature children currently in foster care who are available for adoption. This exhibit, the first statewide Heart Gallery in North Carolina, is premiering in Greensboro and will travel to six different cities around the state in Spring 2006.

Disturbing Commercial

Questions for the ad execs at Burger King:

• Was the King the intended receiver on the play or is he making an interception?
• Shouldn't he be wearing a helmet?
• Where did the King play college ball?
• Was he a first round draft pick in the NFL?
• Shouldn't the King be QB rather than WR?
• Wearing tights; does that require shaving before the game?
• Who will succeed the King as company spokesman if he gets injured?
• Isn't bowling the real "Sport of Kings?"
• Are there other royals playing professional sports?

Fewer "W"s

I'm not seeing quite so many of those annoying oval bumper stickers with the letter "W" anymore. Maybe folks have finally figured out what it means.

Seasonal Affliction

If you are a parent, like me, and your kids are trick-or-treating age, then there is a strong chance that you are now suffering from a common seasonal affliction. Candy mouth ulcers usually strike the day after Halloween, but they can last for several weeks.

The duration of this affliction is directly related to how much leftover candy is in the house due to your subconscious over-buying. If you went to Costco and bought several of the five-pound variety packs you may now be suffering from Candy-Mouth.

If your cupboard is not overstocked with leftover candy, then you are probably a master at rationalizing the act of pilfering from your children. "It's not good for them to have so much candy at this age."

But we do pay a price for extended visits to the Big Rock Candy Mountain. You can't put away 17 Reese's Cups in one evening and not suffer the consequences. Symptoms of Candy-Mouth include ulcers so bad that all you can drink is cold water. Hot food is out of the question and you may also find yourself crying as you try to savor one more sour apple jawbreaker at breakfast time.

You can try conventional remedies like Orajel, but that just masks the pain. Don't despair, there is a proven Halloween cure for Candy-Mouth. Under the light of a full moon you must suck on a bat's wing and as repugnant as that might sound, it gets worse. You see, for the cure to work the bat's wing must be attached to a live bat. I didn't make this up. I am simply passing along a remedy from a bonafide witch on my wife's side of the family.

So enjoy one more Nestle's Crunch because your dentist is waiting to see you. No, he doesn't have a cure for Candy-Mouth, but he is salivating over the money to be earned filling this year's crop of Halloween cavities.